My little person.

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When you have a baby, you really don’t know what to expect, no matter how many versions of ‘what to expect when you’re expecting’ you read.

I read blogs, and watched vlogs and thought I had a plan. But, 9 months later, there she was wriggling in my arms, incredibly tiny, surprisingly loud.

Everything I had learned began to unravel. Everything I watched became a blur. And I realised that this little person and me had to figure it out on our own. 

The baby phase ends pretty fast. One minute, you’re performing painful foreplay with your breast pump and the next you’re watching your baby take her first steps in those squeaky- cute- at-first-but- not- so-much-later-on shoes. And those very steps eventually lead her away from you. Ok, I read that line on a Hallmark card at an Archie's Gallery. But it's true, isn't it?

Anaya is three and a half and is officially a little person, and like every parent, most of my days are spent watching her grow, not just physically but into the person she is meant to be.

And she amazes me. I see the way she observes her world. How she processes it all. How raw her emotions are and how she feels things the way they’re meant to be felt- If she’s sad, she’s sad. She laughs wildly when something’s funny. She rolls on the floor when doesn’t get her way, because she only knows how to be herself. No one else, but her.

I see how she loves her friends and even though she’s unwilling to share some of her toys and launches into a series of “ it’s mine!” battles, they’re short lived. She doesn’t hold onto grudges. She forgets. She lets it go; just like the balloons I often get her from the mall.

I watch her in the park, playing freely- shoes off, muddy toes, windblown hair.  A swing, a slide, a rubber ball, and a friend, that’s what her perfect evening is all about.

And the best part about my little person is that she pays no attention to physical appearances. She’s barely noticed my baby bump that grows magically by the second or a new haircut or a pimple that has erupted on my protruding chin. It means nothing to her.

But she does notice when I’ve got a band-aid on, or if I’m teary eyed, or silent on some days. She wants to know why I’m sad, or who hurt my finger. She cares about her mama, more than anyone ever has.

My little person is the best person I know, and she makes me want to be better. Because I know that she watches me, feels my moods and absorbs my energy.

On days when it’s just the two of us, lying on her bedroom floor, me scrolling through the insipid world of instagram, while she’s mothering her many baby dolls, I stop and look at her. I see the person I used to be, living in a happy, fearless bubble that I thought would never pop. But it did. Because when you grow up, everyone tells you to get out of your bubble and to stop being a child. Silly big people, we had it so good, we just ‘bad worded’ it up. Which is why I hope that Anaya, my person, grows strong, grows bananas, grows loving, grows kind… but never really grows up.

So, yes, if you're also wondering what to expect, expect this...you will learn more from your baby then any other person in your life. Oh, and you'll also become an expert butt cleaner. Oh, oh, and you'll also learn to balance a human on your lap as you use the toilet. Yes, it's all pretty magical.