Friday, April 24, 2015

You're my facebook friend but you're also annoying.

I just read an article about annoying people on every facebook list.  Though I nodded in agreement, I found that the list didn't include a lot of the different characters that flood my newsfeed every morning.I am a little bit of all of them. And I'm sure I have a few hundred "friends" that cringe at my every facebook move.  
But this isn't about me; this is about all the friends you'll come across on my facebook.

The avid traveller when the fuck do you work person
This person(or persons) is always posting pictures of exotic locations, perfect sunsets, and cute messages on the sand.  The captions below will occasionally make you barf in your mouth a little- "There is no perfect life but we can fill it with perfect sunsets."  As I look away from the phone, I catch a bus driver with a protruding belly staring at me with his mouth curled in a perverted snarl.  Some of us only have the luxury of travelling to work and fro and the only sights we see are traffic jams, stranded cows, and bulging eyeballs (and balls) that study your every move while the red light counts down to green.

The my child is sooo cute I must post everything person
 I don't have kids but I do have a dog that I am pretty much obsessed with. I do post the occasional picture or ten so I know that it's easy to get carried away. Especially when you roll over to find your puppy with her head nestled on your husband's shoulder while your husband holds one tiny paw in his large man hands. You got to share that with the world, man.  But I know where to draw the line. I want you to love my dog, not secretly dream of taking her to China and feasting on her rabbit like ears. So I do have  problem with parents that share every crawling, pooping, drooling moment on facebook.  Yes, you have a cute kid but we don't need to know the colour of his poop and the density of his spit up.   Share a picture or a story twice or thrice a week but don't tell us how your little one dressed as a princess or made a joke about a fat cat sitting on a mat.  Keep some moments between you, your wife, grandpa, or the girl you're desperately trying to f*ck at work.  Photos of you being a loving father works better than a roofie in a Cosmo. 

The big bad ad guy person
I am a copywriter and my clients are thirsty vampires that suck the creativity out of every headline and story, I seek appreciation elsewhere. I write for my friends and family and post stuff on facebook and have tiny orgasms with each like that I get. BUT there are some ad guys on my friends list that go on and on and on and on trying to win us over with their witty campaigns and self art directed layouts, long copy diaries and status updates that are like prologues to a new book they're writing.  Give us a little breather, if we wanted to read we'd go to the nearest bookstore, grab a cup of coffee or green tea and pick out an author that we actually enjoy reading.

The I know all the angles that make me look good but I'm secretly a troll
So we all know those girls that know all the perfect angles and make all the perfect pouty faces that makes them look facebookfuckable.  But in real life, you'll walk past her without looking back unless she lets on rip. These girls (and I used to one of them) know the angles that will hide their double chins and sagging boobs. They know the angles that make look more Gisele like on facebook even though they are more Rakhi Sawantish in real life.  And sometimes it's something as simple as sucking in your cheeks and turning slightly to the left and moving the right shoulder at a slightly contorted angle. We all know them, and we are secretly scared of their ability to transform the second we say "cheese."   

The invisible stalker person
They don't post things on people's walls. They don't comment on pictures.  But they see everything and they stalk the shit out of you and everyone in your network. They know your husband's ex girlfriends pug's name. They constantly refresh their newsfeed so they never miss a beat.  But we'll never know that they've been on our page and it could make you a feel a little violated like someone's been staring into your bedroom, watching your every bad dance move since 2005.

The I am photographer because I filter the shit out my pictures person
I find these people highly annoying. While some of them are truly talented, filter or no filter, there are some people that wouldn't know creativity if it bit them in the ass and made a home inside their large intestine.  The ones that take a top angle shot of a stray shoe, add a black and white filer and call it "abandoned" which is met with responses such as "deep, my friend, deep."  But my friend, a filter and a catchy caption does not a photographer make. You have a phone with a camera and you take cool pictures. That is all.