As usual (albeit not proud) I start my mornings with my facebook news feed.
I see hundreds of statuses. Some of them make me laugh, some make me flinch and some are just information overload. Lady- I don’t need to know that your cat choked on a fur ball. Even though I love cats, I’m sure even she wouldn’t like her fur balls discussed on a public forum.
I prefer to have fun with my statuses, get creative even. I don’t need the world to know what I’m up to every waking moment because even though I have a slightly obsessive and borderline unhealthy relationship with facebook, I know my life is kinda not cool all the time. So I spare the world details. You’re welcome.
Anyway, after much rambling about facebook ramblings, I present to you my imaginary status updates called- ‘Things You Should NEVER Say On Facebook If You’re A Human Being Or Can Type’ A 100% fake but all fiction is inspired by reality, innit?
- I LOVE stalking ugly people when I’m low. It makes me feel so much better about myself.
- OK I just had sex with a loser! Gr-o-ss! I think he cried as he you-know-whated.
- My boss is such a Ch**t. I’m totally going to quit once I hear back from this new company. *FINGERS TOES HAIR CROSSED*
- My girlfriend needs a bikini wax ASAP. I like floss every time I go down there!!!!!!
- I feel sooooo bad when some country goes to war….. I’m so lucky everyone loves
. Maybe it’s cause we mind our own beeswax. America
- Whoo hooooooooo! I just drove home drunk and I couldn't see shit but I made it to my bed..good night bitches.
- OMG! I think I saw my dad having lunch with a really hot woman. Do you guys think he’s having an affair? If he is- I’m gonna kill the mother f*cker for no longer f*cking my mother.
- So what exactly does- hung like a donkey mean? Is it some sort of death sentence or what?
- OK girls, I need your help. Where can I go to get my butt hole bleached??
- I told that bitch that if she f*ked with me again.. I’d F*cking shoot her with that gun in my pocket which actually is a gun in my pocket!!!
- Shit yaar I got caught cheat on my frikkin test! I’m going to be smarter during my next exam and hide the notes in my chaddis.
- I didn’t wear panties to work today. I’m a bad girl *blush*
- I’m not going to vote this year. I mean, it’s not like EVERY vote counts, right.#stupidelections.
- At the end of the day all men are the same.. except some have bigger penises and some have penises that look like vaginas.
- I'm dating a cop and he has no idea about my little drug problem.
To be continued……..