‘Things You Should NEVER Say On Facebook If You’re A Human Being Or Can Type’

As usual (albeit not proud) I start my mornings with my facebook news feed.

I see hundreds of statuses. Some of them make me laugh, some make me flinch and some are just information overload. Lady- I don’t need to know that your cat choked on a fur ball. Even though I love cats, I’m sure even she wouldn’t like her fur balls discussed on a public forum.

I prefer to have fun with my statuses, get creative even. I don’t need the world to know what I’m up to every waking moment because even though I have a slightly obsessive and borderline unhealthy relationship with facebook, I know my life is kinda not cool all the time. So I spare the world details. You’re welcome.

Anyway, after much rambling about facebook ramblings, I present to you my imaginary status updates called- ‘Things You Should NEVER Say On Facebook If You’re A Human Being Or Can Type’   A 100% fake but all fiction is inspired by reality, innit?

-          I LOVE stalking ugly people when I’m low. It makes me feel so much better about myself.

-          OK I just had sex with a loser! Gr-o-ss! I think he cried as he you-know-whated.

-           My boss is such a  Ch**t. I’m totally going to quit once I hear back from this new company. *FINGERS TOES HAIR CROSSED*

-          My girlfriend needs a bikini wax ASAP. I like floss every time I go down there!!!!!!

-          I feel sooooo bad when some country goes to war….. I’m so lucky everyone loves America. Maybe it’s cause we mind our own beeswax.

-          Whoo hooooooooo! I just drove home drunk and I couldn't see shit but I made it to my bed..good night bitches.

-          OMG! I think I saw my dad having lunch with a really hot woman. Do you guys think he’s having an affair? If he is- I’m gonna kill the mother f*cker for no longer f*cking my mother.

-          So what exactly does- hung like a donkey mean? Is it some sort of death sentence or what?

-          OK girls, I need your help. Where can I go to get my butt hole bleached??

-          I told that bitch that if she f*ked with me again.. I’d F*cking shoot her with that gun in my pocket which actually is a gun in my pocket!!!

-          Shit yaar I got caught cheat on my frikkin test! I’m going to be smarter during my next exam and hide the notes in my chaddis.

-          I didn’t wear panties to work today. I’m a bad girl *blush*

-          I’m not going to vote this year. I mean, it’s not like EVERY vote counts, right.#stupidelections.

-          At the end of the day all men are the same.. except some have bigger penises and some have penises that look like vaginas.

-          I'm dating a cop and he has no idea about my little drug problem.

    To be continued……..