DOODY CALLS

                                              DOODY CALLS

I begin every morning with cold coffee. Yum. I have been indulging in my frothy-icy-shaken in a shaker Nescafe since the beginning of time. My day is a little less ugly the minute my milk mustache settles on my upper lip.Yup, I got milk.

After the coffee, comes the bathroom ritual. I am a girl and of course, I never poop, fart,burp, or spit in my sink. I just light scented candles and blow soap bubbles and giggle as they pop. And today morning, as I lathered up in all kinds of pink (more things that girls do), I started to think about bathroom rituals.

The first and most common ritual of them all is  'Reading the newspaper on the potty'.

We prefer to fill our brains with disturbing images and heinous headlines, and stare at over-weight, manly looking female politicians with hideous hair-dos than be alone with our own thoughts. I guess deadlines and 'things-to-do' are enough to send our bowel moments on strike. Other people's problems and sadistic murders are much easier on the stomach.

The next ritual is ' Cigi-on- potty.' I know enough people never go to the loo without a "cigi," "a smoke," "a fag" or a "coupla drags."  Whether they are smokers or just pot(ty) smokers, they need that morning rush to help last nights dinner have a pleasent and uninteruupted journey as it makes its way down the large intestine and land in water with some remains of yesterday's Harpic. Inhale. Exhale. Spalsh.

Another ritual that comes to mind is called 'Cigi and Chai.' This one grosses me out. Anything we put into our body should not be in the same room as the things that come out of our body. But like the non-smoker or smoker who can't do without the morning nicotine rush, caffeine is just as integral for a smooth sailing poop ride. Sometimes just a few sips do the trick. So the cig is put out in the chai with a faint hissing sound. The job is done and the evidence is left behind in the form of pungent stink. 

And today with new technology, new poop rituals are  born. The minute, in true crude Indian fashion " the pressure" builds, an iPad makes its way in the bathroom. With every angry bird that flies across the screen, it is accompanied with a splash.

Oh, but the funniest ritual of all, and I don't know if I mean ha-ha funny, is the one that includes Facebook on the pot. Oh,you know who you are. You lose yourself in status updates, wedding pictures and bad foundation, hot boys and shake your head at girls with white bras under black shirts, beautiful people on exotic holidays and wonder when they hell they work, and almost like magic, even without you knowing, your stomach is flat and last nights shrimp dim-sum is long gone. 

So whatever your ritual may be, it is important that you follow it religiously every morning. Even if it means turning the snooze button off so you don't lose those precious fifteen minutes. Because when you're at work or in a public place and doody calls, it can be a super shitty situation.